150 Things Konoha Shinobi Are Not Allowed To Do
by afriendtosell
Summary: Just for fun. Mostly Crack. [Sometimes you just need to take a break from all of the seriousness]


I only came up with about…70 of the numbers on this list.

---

**150 Things Konoha Shinobi Are Not Allowed To Do**

_By Pridefall and the members of the The Fanfiction Forum_

---

1. Unless you are a taijutsu freak, blind, or otherwise incapable of meeting someone eye-to-eye, looking into a shinobi's eyes when they go "crazy-like" is not a good thing to do. Ever.

2. The plot of Icha Icha is not to be spoiled around Hatake Kakashi.

3. Black, while a nice color to wear on missions, is bad for everyday use and may have a chance of turning you Goth™

4. The Uchiha and their Pocky are not to be trifled with.

5. Neither are the Hyuuga and their Herbal Essences.

6. An Akimichi _cannot_ use Baika No jutsu on his or her naughty bits, and you must not test this.

7. Similarly, just because they can tie you down with shadows does not mean all Nara are bondage fetishists.

8. Any female shinobi who are too pretty to be real usually are. Approach with caution.

9. The Monkey King is not to be summoned on top of Hyuuga Hinata's house and given an unlimited amount of barrels.

10. Scratching any Nin-dog behind the ear to see if his leg will twitch is NOT a good idea. Same thing goes for all Inuzaka dogs and Kakashi himself.

11. Hanging electrical insect lamps around the Aburame estate is neither funny nor a good idea.

12. Placing a "Kick Me" sign on any Hyuuga member's back does not count as finding the clan's ultimate weakness.

13. Kunai DO NOT make good toothpicks and should NEVER be carried in the mouth.

14. Mitarashi Anko, Lady Tsunade, Haruno Sakura, and Uzik Yuugao are not to be trifled with on the 1st, 5th, 19th, and 25th of any month.

15. Using Kage Bunshin to date several girls at once is not a good idea. Neither is using the Beast-to-man transformation.

16. Inuzaka are not allowed to scare the dog-catcher by running into an alleyway in dog form and then turning into the Two Headed Wolf

17. Dynamic marking is not to be used at festivals in lieu of fireworks.

18. Telling Genin that mixing coke and soldier pills is a good idea for long missions, is not.

19. Similarly, lacing Uzumaki Naruto's ramen with a small amount of PCP or Marijuna is punishable by death. I will not get another Jounin to do this.

20. The Uchiha Grand Fireball Ceremony is not a fireworks display and should not be treated as such. Nor should popcorn or marshmallows be brought to it. It is wrong to teach Genin this.

21. Telling Genin that the Hyuuga's power came from their hair and that if you cut it off they'd be powerless is not a good idea.

22. "The Ants Go Marching One by One" is not the Aburame Clan's theme song.

23. I will not call The Monkey King Rafiki, Louie, or Magilla.

24. I will not ask Gamabunta if he has a son named Frogger, not will I expect Gamakichi to know how to cross a busy street without hitting anyone.

25. Lady Tsunade is not to be referred to as "Big Momma", and Konoha is not be to referred to as "Big Momma's House."

26. Subaku No Gaara is never allowed to come into possession of Icha Icha Paradise Volume 5: Hentai Tentacle Madness Edition

27. Uzumaki Naruto is never allowed to come into possession of Ichia Icha Paradise Volume 8: Gangbang no Jutsu

28. Telling female Genin that dressing up as Little Red Riding Hood will endear them to the Inuzaka is not a good idea.

29. Giving an Inuzaka chunky peanut butter for the express purpose of watching him eat it is not a good idea.

30. Yelling out "Pikachu, I chose you!" when Hatake Kakashi is about to use his Chidori Technique is not a good idea.

31. Calling the Hokage a "perverted old man" in public is not a good idea.

32. Especially when the Daimyo's wife is here.

33. And wants to check if it's true.

34. Telling new students that Anko is a perverted pedophile is prohibited.

35. Rule 34 does not apply to Orochimaru.

36. There is no one named Yamanaka Yuri and he is not trying to launch all your nukes.

37. Hyuuga Neji and Hyuuga Hanabi are not the second and third reincarnations of Hyuuga Hizashi. Even if Hyuuga Hanabi says so herself.

38. Nara Shikamaru is not allowed to choke people with his shadows unless they are enemy nin.

39. Nara Shikamaru is not allowed to say "Your lack of faith disturbs me" even if they _are_ enemy nin.

40. I am no longer allowed to dig for oil in Yondaime's head.

41. Nor am I allowed to search for gold in Nidaime's nose.

42. Placing a gold coin in Nidaime's nose a week before to justify my search is a punishable offense.

43. Convincing Akimichi Chouji to paint himself Red and break through the wall of the girl's bathroom while screaming 'OH YEAH!' is not funny.

44. Convincing the Hyuuga to practice their Byakugan in close proximity to the woman's bath is also not funny.

45. Kage Bunshin is a dangerous shinobi skill, not an excuse to start my own baseball team.

46. The Rasengan must never, ever, _ever_ be used in an attempt to make a fruit smoothie.

47. Using Henge to hide my seal, and then running through the streets of Konoha while shirtless and screaming 'IT'S LOOSE! IT'S LOOSE!' is not funny.

48. I can be arrested for using the Henge no Jutsu and Kawarimi no Jutsu to transform into a piece of woman's clothing.

49. Especially in combination with Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, to replace all her clothing.

50. And no, she would not find it funny if I changed back all at once and screamed 'Surprise!'

51. And if I ever consider doing this to Anko again, she will castrate me for real next time.

52. I cannot use the excuse 'I'm marking my territory' to urinate on any Konoha building.

53. Nor to urinate on any Konoha ninja.

54. And yes, Kunoichi will beat the shit out of you for that.

55. Explosive tags are not to be used for any of the following reasons: Cleaning, painting, entertainment, or 'Getting rid of the evidence.'

56. Barney the Dinosaur is not a valid summon.

57. Hatake Kakashi is not to be referenced as the Phantom of the Opera

58. Despite Ryu Hayabusa's claims, trying to shoot down a helicopter with a bow and arrow is not only stupid, but impossible. Do not test this

59. Telling Genin that putting toothpaste on a Doujutsu user's eyelids while they are sleeping is an effective way of neutralizing them, is not.

60. A katana is not a toy.

61. Or a kitchen knife

62. It is not to be referred to as a Ginsu. It is wrong to teach Genin this.

63. Jiraiya is not to be referred to as Dio Brando despite his Cart Destroyer Frog technique and his penchant to scream WRRRRRY when kicked in the balls.

64. Flash-bangs are not good substitutes for fireworks during festivals.

65. The song "Everyone was Kung-fu-fighting" is never to be broadcasted over the Konoha Speaker System during the Chuunin exams

66. The summons are not Pokemon, and must not be referred to as such.

67. The Monkey King does not have a nephew named Diddy or a cousin named Kong.

68. It is wrong to call Jiraiya Master Roshi, even if he is a dirty old man.

69. The Uchiha Massacre is not an example of a ninja stereotypically "flipping out and killing stuff for no reason." I must not teach the Genin this.

70. Asking one of TenTen's family members to make you a pair of sword-chucks is not only stupid, but fatal.

71. Inuzaka are not to change into their Two Headed Wolf form if asked "change for a dollar?"

72. Hatake Kakashi cannot summon a being called "Scooby Doo." Asking him to do so is wrong, and will end up getting you hurt.

73. Da Da Da Da Da Da, Puppy Power!" is not the Inuzaka Holy battle-cry. I must not teach this to the Genin.

74. Rubbing an Akimichi clan member's stomach will not get you good luck.

76. Referring to Orochimaru as Michael Jackson and asking him to Moon-walk is not a good idea. I must not teach the genin this.

77. Orochimaru did not experiment on all of those dead bodies just to re-enact that scene from thriller. Telling the Genin this is wrong.

78. Danzou is not to be referred to as Old One Eye, and was not found on the planet Macragge.

79. The Hokage does not refer to himself/herself as the Holy God-Emperor of Mankind and does not need to eat the souls of a thousand Yamanaka to sustain himself. Teaching the Genin this is wrong.

80. Orochimaru is not the Chaos God Slaanresh reborn into a human body and his Oto-nin are not a part of the Emeror's Children sect of the Chaos Space Marines. I must not teach the Genin this.

81. Uzumaki Naruto is never to be given any data concerning the Tyranid Hive-Fleet.

82. The Rasengan does not "slice, dice, and make julian fries." Teaching the Genin this is wrong.

83. Telling the Hokage that his latest plan "Needs more cowbell" is a bad idea.

61. Ba-Ram-U is not the secret Inuzaka Codeword.

63. Kage Bunshin is a dangerous jutsu and is not to be used during Halloween to score more candy from people.

64. Nor is it to be used to give a new spin on the term masturbation. I most definitely must not teach the Genin this.

65. Creating an army of Kage Bunshin and screaming out loud 'Bunshin Bakuha' is a very bad idea.

66. Especially if Sakura is around to beat the crap out of me for it when she realizes I don't know the damn thing.

67. Talking about any version of the Oiroke no Jutsu in publec is also a bad idea. Especially around Kunoichi.

68. Anko is exempt from rule 67

69. Giving Sakura and Ino a Kage Bunshin Henge'd into a bound Sasuke is NOT a good idea. Apparently fangirls have no sense of humor.

70. Rule 69 also applies to giving Tenten a Bunshin Henge'd into a bound Neji.

71. I'm not allowed to start my own escort service unless the people working for me are actually real people and not Kage Bunshin. (even if Hinata was my biggest source of income)

72. Wooden practice kunai are not specialist tools for hunting vampires.

73. Giving Gai a cape and painting an S on his chest will be punished.  
73. a. ...by making you repair the damage he does trying to fly.

74. Mitarashi Anko does not give lessons in 'How to keep your Man'  
74. a. Not even if you're old enough for the X-rated version.

75. Playing pranks and then blaming them on Naruto will not lead to him being punished.  
75. a. Unless you ARE Naruto.

76. The swirly mark on Uzumaki Naruto is not where he keeps the Konoha Matrix of Leadership  
76. a. Nor is it between Tsunade-sama's breasts.  
76. b. Sending gullible academy students out to retrieve it is not allowed.

77. Iruka's 'Demon Head no Jutsu' is not a variant of the Akimichi secret techniques and they are not hunting him down for stealing their 'l33t m0ve5'. I must not teach this to the Genin.

78. Telling Uchiha Sasuke that he can 'supercharge' his Chidori by standing on lightning conductors in a thunderstorm is forbidden.  
78. a. ...even if he did fall for it twice.  
78. b. ...even if it does blast all his clothes off him.

79. Naruto did not 'steal Sasuke's mighty love pole', those are what they were born with.  
79. a. Why did you think that the girl who can see through their clothes wasn't a Sasuke fangirl.

80. The 'Sound-nin's Picnic' is not the official song of the Academy but all prepubescent males should avoid the woods when Orochimaru is in the area.

81. Yuugao's fondness for yellow and black tracksuits and the fact that Hayate's sword was forged by Hattori Hanzo aside, stop calling her the Bloodsplattered Bride.

82. Doctoring photos of Iruka and Kakashi in efforts to persuade Jiriaya to write a yaoi Icha Icha volume are not prohibited as such, but the two of them do know where you live.

82. a. and no, that doesn't mean they're going to give you a free show, you sick sick perverts.

83. There is no evidence that Happosai was the Sandaime's jounin teacher.

84. Yuuhi Kurenai is not a vampire. Neither are the Uchihas.

85. The Inuzuka are not lycans.

86. There was no clan war between the vampires and lycans Uchiha and Inuzuka clans. I must not teach this to the Genin

87. I will not try to wear a red scarf. Nor will I try to absorb my enemies to heal myself.

88. I will not try to change into a mole. Unless that's my Bloodline Limit.

89. "The Bum Bum Song" is not Orochimaru's official anthem.

90. Altrouge Brunestud is not an unofficial member of the Akatsuki.

91 Chiyo-sama should never be referred to as "Chiyo-chan".

92. Today is _not_ a good day to die, thank you very much.

93. Don't burst into song.

94. "What's the worst that could happen?", "At least it can't get worse!", and "What could possibly go wrong?" are not to be said. I will not test this.

95. You don't have theme songs.

96. Don't scream "BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGSSS!!!!!!!!" around the Aburames.

97. Paper cuts are not medical emergencies.

98. Despite what they say, people wearing orange are neither good boys nor mentally stable.  
98a. These people are also not to be given pots and spoons.

99. I may not use Kage Bunshin to replace the blood of any Uchiha with that of sheep during the physical checkups. Again.

100. Throwing Water Balloons at Godaime Kazekage Gaara of the Desert to check whether his shield of sand gets soggy or not is not only stupid, but assuredly fatal.

101. Setting people's pets on fire is not an acceptable pastime.

102. Neither is setting the owners on fire.

103. I may not ask Kakashi about his preferred sexual position again. It is, unfortunately, not fatal. (As the man smiles and launches into a 23-minute long speech, outlining the benefits and drawbacks of each and everything he has ever tried.)

104. Asking Nii Yugito what she charges per hour is unwise.

105. I cannot bring unsealed Bijuu back in the Village.  
105a. Even if Kyuubi wants his pet turtle back.  
105 b. ESPECIALLY if Kyuubi wants his pet turtle back.

106. I can't bring sealed Bijuu back in the village.  
106a. Unless I seduced the host before.

107. You shall not call Hyuuga Hiashi-sama "Mr. H," "H-san," "H-sama" or "Master H." Especially not in front of kunoichi. It is not punishable, but it might be fatal.

108. You shall not torch the Aburames' insect hives and put the blame on Uchiha Sasuke.

109. Asking an Inuzuka to fetch a stick with an exploding tag wrapped around it is bad manners. I must teach the Genin this.

110. You do not stand between Uchiha Sasuke and his fangirls. It is not law, but it is highly discouraged.

111. On the same note as number 110, you do not tell Uchiha Sasuke's fangirls than the aforementioned Uchiha is signing autographs and selling kisses in Training Area 44. Fangirls have no sense of humor and, if you find this funny, neither do you.

112. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck... chances are it's an evil ninja trying to kill you.

113. If you are captured by a kunoichi, don't ask her if her pimp knows where she is.

114. Just 'cause Naruto is the reason for most of these rules doesn't mean the rest of you can ignore them.

115. Don't volunteer for any weird rituals. _Especially_ if the person invoking the ritual has weird, swirly eyes and no discernable face.

116. Explosives. Tags. Are. Not. For. Fishing.

117. Contrary to what Asuma says, _Absinthe _does not make the heart grow fonder.

118. Causality is _not_ our playground. I must teach the Uchiha this.

119. Remember the 50-50-90 rule. If we have a 50-50 chance of success, 90 percent of the time, it will blow up.

120. Do not start your reports with "Once upon a time" or "In a land far, far away."

121. Nothing is ever impossible.

122. Don't tease people who can kick your ass. Even if they're older than you. _Especially_ if they're older than you.

123. "It tastes like chicken" is not how you describe a new food to your team.

124. Our motto is not "The fundamental laws of the universe are for lesser people."

125. Keep you victory dance urges to yourself.

126. "Another One Bites the Dust" is NOT to be played every single time an Akatsuki member is killed by us. Similarly, "We are the Champions" is not to be sung when more than 75 of the Genin class graduates to Chuunin in a foreign exam.

127. "Do you want the official version or the real version?" is not something you should ask your superiors when asked how your last mission went.

128. Some things are too good to be true.

129. Don't make voodoo dolls of your superiors.  
129a. Orochimaru is an exception to this rule.

130. You are not pirates. Nor are you inherently better than _real_ pirtes.

131. Don't mention certain "events" around visiting representative of our allies and/or clients. They're fragile little minds couldn't handle Maito Gai and Rock Lee's drunken ribaldry.

132. Don't tell a village leader that your teammates are your harem.  
132a. Even if they technically are.

133. If your colleague re-appears after being dead for any given amount of time don't scream out "Does no one stay dead around here?"

134. Starting rumors about Hidden Waterfall having open missions to father the next generation of their shinobi is cruel and a source of international tension, so limit your targets to foreign shinobi.  
134a. And they're JUST rumours, so Kakashi and Genma can stop packing.

135. Students should not reply 'Ninja-Clown' or 'Ninja-Mime' when asked to state their aspirations.

136. Defacing the Hokage Monument is not the initiation to a secret training program by the Sannin.

137. Dressing male genin as kunoichi and having them stalk the rookie of the year to obtain blackmail material is not a legitimate use of genjutsu unless the Hokage gets a percentage of the take.

138. Speculating on the reasons that the Godaime Hokage has no alibi for the time she was allegedly making out with Maito Gai is forbidden.  
138a. Naruto and Hinata swear up and down that Gai was nowhere near the Hokage tower at the time.  
138b. Would he lie about something like that?  
139c. Why was she blushing?

140. Jiriaya is no longer permitted to refer to Naruto as his young padawan.

141. Kids with green eyes, red hair and a prominent scar on their forehead should be sent back to the hospital for medication, not on missions of revenge against Orochimaru.

142. Genin are technically adults and may technically drink alcohol legally...

142a…but if we let the rest of you then we have to let Lee.

142b. Which is bad, for those of you not paying attention

143. The Kazekage insists that grabbing his gourd of sand does count as sexually molesting him.  
143a. So don't do it unless you're serious.  
144b. Seriously, breaking the heart of an allied Kage is bad diplomacy.

145. Mission reports are not to be thrown through the window of the Hokage Tower on the way to Ichiraku's.

146. Of all the ways to taunt Orochimaru, mooning him is not recommended.

146a. Especially if he hasn't taken Kusunagi out of his throat.

147. Tsunade is not to be called "Mrs. Jackson" when referring to her and Orochimaru's past relationship.

147a. Despite how much Jiraiya pays you to do so.

147b. _Especially_ if Jiraiya pays you to do so.

148. The Shiki Fuujin was not invented by a man named Mutaito as a way to capture a demon named Piccolo. Telling the Genin this is wrong.

149. The Rasengan is _not_ a low-yield Kamehameha and cannot be used to blow up a mountain when maximized.

149a. Neither can it blow up the moon or the planet itself.

149b. Uzumaki Naruto is never, _ever_ to be allowed to get his hands on a copy of the Dragon Ball manga.

150. The Daimyo's Wife's cat Tora is not secretly the Sandaime in disguise.


End file.
